It has been a while that I’ve updated this blog. And now I am thinking of using this as a journal entry, a sort of therapy perhaps for my chronic depression.
The last few years have been bad. They have leached out my spirit and left a shell that seems impossible to fill again. Probably, what I need is a shrink… but I know I would be less than truthful to one when they want me to open up. The wall around me is high and the doors open for no one, or maybe just one (and I am grateful for that.)
A couple of failed relationships, some dissatisfying jobs, an expanding waist-line and a shrinking financial bottom-line has made me bitter about myself. My confidence has dug itself a grave and refuses to get out of it. A few years back, I believed and behaved like I could make the world dance to my tunes… and I did. I was happy, I was more or less contented, I liked what I saw in the mirror and finances did not really matter much. I had my way always. Now, that girl is missing and perhaps, even dead. Here I am instead, an inadequate lump of a person who no longer has the will to live. When you have money, you might be able to survive without love… but when you have neither, you are left on a parched desert with both your legs cut off .
Speaking of deserts… my recent return to Kuwait has been a positive step in my life after a really long time. At least, Kuwait has pulled out of me my constant wish to end everything and my life. Before Kuwait, the only thing that put a leash on my suicidal thoughts was a lack of physical courage.
But, I am a still on a sinking ship, being sucked into a whirlpool. And there is just one life-jacket out there which floats away every time I try to grab it.