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How I Put The Fire Out…

Different people have different methods to control anger or to cheer up their selves… often these methods meet with varying levels of success.

I have a tough time coming up with methods to maintain good cheer…Because, I am either always angry or I am always chronically depressed. Since the past few years, these seem to be the only states of mind my brain can conjure up. (Note: These are barring the time I spend with Nawaab Saheb… that is always a roller-coaster of emotions… most of them of the positive kind.)

Now, coming back to anger management… my style… I write in a diary or a notebook… scribble (naah…scratch) my thoughts… some of them murderous, some fiery, most cannot be published anywhere… and after I am done scarring the notebook with my pencil (always a mechanical pencil… sharp and vicious), I tear the page(s) off the notebook and shred them in to tiny pieces, picturing the page to be the object of my ire.

Another thing I would like to do is slash around the room with a sharp object… but well, that is not happening! Aaah…someday…SOMEDAY!

Or… break glass… the shattering of glass is a soothing sound to nerves set afire by anger… but… yeah… that ain’t happening either! 😦

That’s how I deal with anger… now to deal with being upset or depressed.

I have realized that if I sit idle when I am depressed I could come up with so many suicidal thoughts that it would make a best-selling coffee-table book if I decide to publish them. To avoid becoming a millionaire via sadistic propaganda, I channelize my thoughts to a different sort of suicidal mission… financial hara-kiri! Yes, I go on a spending spree… an unnecessary spending spree where I buy expensive, unwanted stuff which I would never need. Now, a lot of people swear by retail therapy… but, in my case the irony is that I hate shopping… under normal circumstances (‘normal’ being a term loosely and relatively used in my context), I ABHOR shopping. The only stuff I can shop without wanting to murder someone in the process are electronic gadgets, shoes and bags. But… when I am upset… the shopping bag could contain anything from Swarovski crystal studded hair clips/barrettes (THESE when I ALWAYS leave my hair OPEN) to an iPod Touch (despite hating Apple Inc.). There is this weird and sadistic satisfaction when I see my account drain away a bit… and surprisingly, I do not regret the impulse buys ever. They remain around my room, at times unused, at times abused but all the time a memory of the purpose they served… to cheer me up.

And sometimes… all it takes is a hug… a big, warm bear hug that melts the anger and evaporates every depressive thought in my head.

© Surya Murali

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